Mommy Mafia

Girls are vicious.  Teenage girls can be some of the most dangerous people in the free world.  They wreak havoc on your self esteem that sometimes can never be repaired.  I think anyone who went to a public middle or high school can attest to this.  Guaranteed almost every girl has had another girl destroy them on at least one day of their life.  It might have been an enemy, a friend, or even a frienemy, perhaps it was your mother or a mother figure, maybe it was a stranger, but you usually don’t make it through high school with your self esteem unscathed.  So what’s the problem with that you might ask?  People are young, they don’t know any better, you move on, get over it.  The real problem with the fact that girls are mean is that girls grow up to become mothers. 

When I became a mother I was introduced to a world of judgment that surpassed anything I had seen in high school or middle school.  These were grown, educated, “mature” women casting judgment and vicious words left and right.  You become a mother and the war is waged.  I read an article once that talked about this “Mommy Mafia” and I thought that term couldn’t have been more appropriate.  Natural birth vs. Medical Intervention, Induction vs. Natural, Breastfeeding vs. Formula Feeding, Daycare vs. Stay-At-Home, Attachment parenting vs. Cry it out, Pacifier vs. Non-Pacifier – the list goes on and on and on.  I think the only thing that can absolutely be said about being a mother is that: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT PARENT.  THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY!!

The joy that you feel as soon as you give birth to that wonderful child is quickly replaced by fear.  Once the Mommy Mafia gets to you it’s replaced by fear and guilt.  As a first time mom I let a lot of the judgments of others get to me.  This time around I really feel blessed to not be as bothered by it.  I think having a three year old puts things into perspective.  I watch him walk into his classroom and he looks just like the other kids in his class.  You cannot tell one kids background from the other just by looking at them.  I have no idea who in his class was breastfed, who entered the world “naturally”, who had a pacifier, and who was a co-sleeper vs. a crib sleeper.  You know what would become increasingly clear though if I sat there and watched them?  I would surely be able to see who had judgmental parents, as kids generally mimic exactly what they see and hear at home, in their role playing.

I think it’s an absolute travesty that the Mommy Mafia even exists.  Mothering is hard enough without the judgment of others.  We belong to an elite club – no one knows a mother’s love but another mother.  Even a father cannot grasp the depth of a mother’s love.  Why do we waste so much time judging each other instead of supporting each other?  I have read so many controversial posts in my pregnancy forum that it just astounds me the lengths that some people will go to in order to point a judgmental finger at someone else.  We don’t have to agree on everything, just because someone chooses to do something differently than I do it doesn’t make them a bad mother – hell, for that matter, it doesn’t necessarily make me a good mother.  

I think the mark of a good mother is doing what’s best for your children on a daily basis and it’s not in the little (yes, they really are little) details.  I remember very few details from my childhood but I can give you the big picture of what it looked like.  I don’t look back and remember if I was breastfed, or in daycare, or where I slept the first few years of my life.  In fact, I could give a crap about any of those things. I remember that I had a very supportive Mom who struggled to come to every event I ever had, she gave everything to us in spite of her own needs, everyday of her life. I know I won’t do the exact same things my Mom did, or make the same choices she did, because we are two totally different people and I’m sure I will raise my kids differently (notice I did not say better).  She already rolls her eyes at all of the precautions I take that she feels are unnecessary and I could care less – she doesn’t think I’m a bad mother she just didn’t do things the same way.  Regardless, I have complete faith that in the long run my kids will turn out to be well adjusted, smart, confident, and happy people whether I gave birth to them naturally or had an epidural, let them co-sleep or let them cry it out. 

Removing myself from the guilt of the Mommy Mafia has helped me so much this time around.  I know that the mark of a good parent is trying to do the best you can by them everyday in whatever method you choose.  I hope that we can stop, as women, being so judgmental, but the only way that is going to happen is if we call a truce and realize we are all currently employed in the hardest job around.  I hope that we can raise the next generation of women to be more open-minded and accepting of different points of view and most of all free from judgment – I know it’s not very realistic, but it’s my hope nonetheless.

"We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better" - Maya Angelou.