It wont be like this for long...

“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.”

~ Hodding Carter

It’s been several days since my last blog and while some might see that as a bad thing – for me, it’s a pretty good thing.  It shows I’m still trying to live in the gray.  Black & White Nicole would have sacrificed sleep and time with family to make sure she accomplished blog writing everyday.  Gray Nicole is much less stressed and is really trying to focus on taking things day by day.  It’s definitely a work in progress, one I may be working on for life but progress is what’s being made.

I’m sure that all of the people who have kids are going to relate all too well to what I’m about to say.  I had one of those days yesterday where I felt like my heart was floating above my body.  Yesterday was FULL of love.  I remember looking down at E and just being overcome with love and awe and thinking – now THAT is perfection.  That little sleeping girl in my arms,  let me see for a brief minute - God on Earth.  I felt the same way when M came down the stairs with his sleepy eyes, dragging his blanket behind him like Linus.  I LOVE that feeling.  I’ve found that feeling happens a lot less as they grow up because you get overwhelmed with the chaos of everyday life and honestly because it seems they start to test your patience more on a daily basis than overcome you.  The sad part is I feel these moments are just going to be fewer and farther between.  I can’t imagine my parents look at me very often and sigh and think – That’s God on Earth right there. I wish I could bottle up these memories to help me through the hard times because I know soon they will be gone.

I’ve noticed a lot of differences in the way that I act and think between the first and the second child.  I had this preconceived notion that I would worry less – HA!  I’ve noticed I definitely don’t worry less,  but I do care less about a lot of things that used to matter.   I’m not fanatical about using a changing pad anymore, I’ve learned how to change a diaper REALLY fast!  I’ve also learned that no matter how careful you are – pee, puke and shit happens so you might as well get used to it!  I don’t feel like I have to be purposefully teaching or working on skills every second of the day to be a good mom.  I’ve learned that the best way you can teach is to just live and let them watch you – talk to them and ask questions constantly.  Unfortunately this means my little one is now asking questions and talking constantly but it shows his curiosity and love of learning and I love that! I’ve also learned to stop wishing for the next milestone because time goes by way too quickly.  I find myself taking more and more time to just stop and focus in on all that’s going on around me and the perfection of my kids as I to try to soak it all up.

I was talking with a friend of mine about trying to bottle up these memories yesterday and found that she had the same thoughts.  We had both tried to take pictures of our babies from our perspectives, of those moments where the love overcomes you.  You think, “oh, this is so perfect – I want to remember this forever”, snap a picture and…nothing.  It doesn’t even begin to do justice to that feeling of your heart floating above your body.  I think the most we can do is just try to be present in the moment because the truth is once that moment is gone, its gone.  Sure, you can recall it and you may have some memories of it – but that feeling in that moment – it’s gone.

I already feel the difference when I hold my little one, feel her body tightening as she tries to lift herself up and look out at the world instead of conforming to me.  I know my days of cuddles are lessening as I type this.  I cherish hugs with my oldest because I so rarely get him to just STOP and let me love on him.  I wish I would have done it more when he was little instead of worrying all the time that I was spoiling him by holding him too much.  Unfortunately you can’t bottle memories no matter how hard you try to take photos, videos, and mental snapshots so - you have to be present in the moment.

Here are some of the things I’m loving currently:

-         I LOVE the smell of my baby girl.  All babies smell good, but no other baby smells like YOUR baby.  I love to just put my nose in her neck and breathe her in.

-         I love the way she looks up at me when she is calm and in my arms – it makes the world slow down just a little.

-         I love the way she takes two quick breaths right before she sneezes.

-         I love the way her face lights up when she sees her big brother.

-         I love all the different faces she makes when she is sleeping.

-         I love when Matthew is tired enough to put his head down on my shoulder when I’m carrying him.

-         I love the way his hand feels in my hand, it reminds me of how small he is.

-         I love the way he mimicked me when I was pregnant – it helped me see myself through his eyes.

-         I love the way he giggles uncontrollably if you are lucky enough to get him to let you kiss underneath his chin.

-         I love that he really seems to be turning into a loving and compassionate little person.

I could go on and on but then I wouldn’t be enjoying this moment while its here…