I’m having a bad day. Simple enough statement, but the thoughts that go with it send me into a questioning mood where I begin to ponder the meaning of my life and the origin of my feelings and the truth is – there is never an answer to those questions.
The baby has been screaming all day because she hates to sleep and then gets so tired that she just will not be happy, no matter what. I just get so tired of not having a moment to myself. These are the days where without a doubt I feel like I can’t possibly have any more kids. I hate feeling that frustrated because the minute she calms down or smiles I feel guilty for letting my frustration get that high and because people in the world have SERIOUS problems and my only problem is my baby won’t sleep during the day. It seems so miniscule, especially when I think about how much I love her and how grateful I am for her – so I just feel miserable and then guilty and then miserable and then guilty and on and on all day long. Is this just the plight of motherhood and I just need to accept it and move on or is it me and my constant issues with trying to be the perfect mother? Why don’t people really get together and talk about parenthood and their feelings more often? I really think hearing that other people feel the same way and have the exact same thoughts and frustrations would be incredibly comforting.
I’m not trying to invite anyone to my pity party or seek any sort of attention, I just felt like I needed to get some blog therapy today because the fact of the matter is – I’m just having a bad day.
I’m not trying to invite anyone to my pity party or seek any sort of attention, I just felt like I needed to get some blog therapy today because the fact of the matter is – I’m just having a bad day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Oh my gosh, I really do know EXACTLY how you feel! For one, I turned 30 in December, but it's just been hitting me lately. But mainly, I can TOTALLY identify with the part about the frustrations that come with motherhood, but then the guilt that sometimes comes from your reactions to that frustration (or just feeling guilty in general because so many people have it much worse). Usually I end up talking/thinking in circles when it comes to these things. I know part of it comes from my futile attempts to be a perfect wife and mother; I bring a lot of pressure on myself, and I suspect you do too. (BUT, I still can't stand when people completely invalidate my feelings by saying, "Welcome to motherhood..." Grrr.) A few weeks ago, a friend of mine (who is an amazing mother to 2 little boys) casually mentioned how much she has to WORK at being a mom. She said it's not something that comes completely naturally or easily, like some other things do to her. Although this doesn't seem like it should be a major epiphany, hearing another mom put it in words was almost like a cloud lifting because I realized it's okay to not be perfect, it's okay to have to work at this, and it's okay to be learning as I go. It's not just me (or you) that finds it difficult at times... even for day-to-day things. Also, despite any imperfections we have, our children are SO MUCH better off than many kids out there. For the most part, they are healthy, safe, happy, and they know we love them... and they love us!
ReplyDeleteSo I've kinda gone off on a tangent and I have no idea if any of this is helpful or encouraging, but, like you, it helps me to get it out there! I think you are AMAZING and I love that modern technology is helping me know you as a mom (totally different than our time at RU!), even though I will probably never even meet your ADORABLE children in person. Please know that there's someone out here who totally gets what you are saying... even if I didn't express that adequately here!
Hang in there! Kiss those babies... and then treat yourself to a massage or time out ALONE or with your sweet husband. :)